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Format for Speaking the Unspoken
- Creating a safe space
- Agree on the time you will be speaking together, typically 30-90 minutes.
- Agree on whether you will speak in person or over the phone. Emails or letters are never appropriate. You must be speaking to each other.
- Agree there will be no distractions or interruptions.
- Acknowledge your past commonality and desire for affinity. Never talk down to or lecture the other person. Never display anger without immediately apologizing. Use soft tones and inviting, caring physical gestures.
- Mail or bring advocacy and inquiry questions for each of you to use.
- Explaining your intention, perception, and experience
- I want to share my perception of what occurred for me because I had a feeling of a possibility of separation.
- When I share my perception of what occurred for me with you, I want you to know I have no need to be right or to blame you. If my words or expressions make you feel like I am making you wrong or blaming you, please tell me.
- I would like you to help me discover why I have these feeling. Please ask me whatever questions you would like, using the inquirer questions as a guide, so I can better understand why I feel the way I do.
- You become the model for the proper use of advocacy and inquiry:
- Share what you felt and experienced using the advocacy statement reframing sheet as a guide to avoid creating defensiveness in the other person.
- Have the other person use the inquiry questions as a guide to help you model self-inquiry. Otherwise it is likely you will project trying to being right or blaming. Continue until you feel fully expressed and have a deeper understanding of your perception.
- The inquirer must be committed to asking questions that help the advocate explore and discover what underlying beliefs triggered the feeling of separation. The inquirer does not give advice.
- If the other person tells you they had nothing to do with what you felt, that this is only about you, as if you were making the situation up, this will still be a very meaningful experience for you. The fact that the other person will help you inquire into what caused you to feel this way will enhance your self-discovery and allow you to be a model of being honest, trusting and vulnerable. You have actually begun the conversation, even if it appears to be only a one-way conversation initially.
- Once you have completed what appeared to be a one-way conversation, if the occurrence were to repeat itself, you would be able to address it sooner the next time by saying, “The perception I had shared with you before was triggered again by what you did (words, a tone, or physical gesture). Please let us put some time aside again. I want to tell you what I felt and experienced. I need your help so I can continue to become clearer about why this happens to me.”
- If you initiate and have this conversation two or three times and the other person can never see how they are partly at cause, both of your perceptions are not enriched, and no deeper compassion for each other occurs, you would have reason to believe this relationship is going to continue to be a source of stress. It provides you the opportunity to understand why or if you still want to continue this relationship. The question then becomes why are you still attached to having this relationship in its present form? Can you modify the relationship so there is no longer stress for you? If you continue the relationship, how do you let go of the triggers that cause you a feeling of separation? Barry offers specific coaching for this situation.
- It is important to appreciate that the issue you are going to share is typically only a clue to the underlying fear that is being triggered by your perception.
- The Process
- If you discover the other person wants to share their perception of what occurred and recognizes how they contributed to the feelings of separation that occurred for you, then go back and forth using advocacy and inquiry. Continue this process until both of you feel fully self-expressed and you have reached a point of appreciating each other’s perception, a new, enriched, and enlightened perception of what occurred. This perception could not have occurred without you directly speaking to the person who seemed to cause the feeling and experience you perceived.
- You have learned more about each other and yourselves. This is why self-discovery is inseparable from the process of having the conversation with the other person.
- You will naturally conclude your conversation with a deeper understanding, appreciation, and affinity for the other person.
- Reflection
- Whenever a conversation becomes repetitive or seems to feel like a debate, it is critical to stop and reflect. You reflect to be able to calm down to better understand how to articulate what you are feeling and thinking to the other person. You resume when both people are able to communicate without the need to be right or blame. Reflection may only be necessary for a few minutes or it may be appropriate to resume the conversation at another time.
- To be in the honest integrity of being fully expressed, you cannot be afraid to share what you are feeling. If you become afraid, you need to express this to the other person or reflect on this fear so you will model the courage to continue the conversation to move past this fear.
- Bridging Connection
- If you follow this format you will find that each conversation offers the opportunity to remove separation from your relationship.
- Trust is built and reinforced each time you take the initiative to Speak the Unspoken and be the model for what these conversations are actually like. You are the model for being in the honest integrity of being fully expressed without the need to be right, blame, judge, label or cause resentment. If you can’t be the model, why would you expect the other person not to feel defensive?
- Using Barry’s Skills
- If you practice with Barry before Speaking the Unspoken, you will have the opportunity to improve your skills to be a model for self-inquiry and he will help you discover the underlying fear that was triggered by the other person. This practice will help you learn more about your own deep-set beliefs and to learn how not to create defensiveness in the other person.
- Most people yearn to have conversations with other people that are long overdue and emotionally charged. It is highly recommended to use Barry to facilitate the initial conversation you desire to have, particularly when you are aware of your own resistance to initiate the conversation because of the strong emotions that are present for you.
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