The reason I have been guiding individuals, facilitating sessions with couples and friends, and teaching seminars in Speaking the Unspoken, is because I grew up in a family where communication did not take place. It was a highly emotional, often volatile household. There was a great deal of separation among family members, at home and across the country, which caused me anxiety, sadness, anger, and loneliness.

As soon as I was close to any member of my family, feuding caused separation again, and I was unable to make contact with or see them again for years. My grandfather wrote my mother out of his will. The pain and agony of a dysfunctional family within and outside of the home left me feeling hopeless about love and connection in our relationships.

My life’s work is about creating an environment of calm and safety for people to express the things they dread and fear, in family, personal, and business relationships. My work is about closing the gaps of separation between loved ones and to support them in staying connected to their compassionate selves, rather than their blaming selves. I want to help people express what they need to say, whatever that might be, in a non-combative, non-debating, non-judgmental way, where labeling and finger pointing is left behind, at home and at work. Otherwise the affects of the stress of not sharing our feelings over time generally impact every aspect of our lives.

This is the basis for Speaking the Unspoken. From there we choose not to overload and dump on others, but to simply say what it is we need to say. It is an opportunity to share our perception, without the need to be right. Our tools are advocacy, inquiry, and reflection. We learn that Speaking the Unspoken takes time, courage, and the willingness to make it a daily practice.

What I have experienced in my personal life, my work with others, and in my workshops, is that if we really want to communicate with those we love, we must release the need for control, and look at our willfulness and desires to manipulate. These unloving, self-defeating behaviors deaden us and push people away.

I have experienced deep feelings of liberation from self-imposed imprisonment because I had been afraid of what I needed to say; that it would hurt someone I cared about, or I would be hurt, or retaliation would become the dynamic. Because of these fears I’ve stayed too long in relationships, allowed resentment and blame to pollute friendships and close the door on some that should have stayed open. I embrace and practice Speaking the Unspoken because of the isolation I have known, because of separation I have caused with family and friends and because to love and be loved, is for me, the ultimate expression of my humanness.

I have created these workshops and set up this web site for people who wish to have more meaningful relationships and to go deeper in the ones they are now in. In this safe atmosphere we learn to be more vulnerable, and to feel empathy for each other and ourselves. During the workshops we experience people opening their hearts and minds; connecting with one another in a way that allows their natural desire for closeness to unfold. With that self-expression becomes easier, our humaneness expands and we encourage others, by our actions, to not feel afraid and speak that which they have been withholding or editing.

Barry Soble -- 2001